Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Hmm does the world need to know he's crappy?
So I haven’t blogged in a while…Sue me! Lol. I still have a lot of family drama going on with my father’s illness. You never know the true character of a person until there is a catastrophic illness/hospitalization. If your parents, grandparents, etc, are still alive, make sure that there are parameters in place BEFORE an illness. Trust me; the vultures will take advantage of your lack of planning!
In any event, I wanted to discuss a website that I saw on twitter today. Had to share it for whatever value you feel it carries. The website is www.crappydads.com . Women can sign up to place pics of their ex’s, as well as stories of their love affairs gone wrong-all while outing the father of their children for not paying their child support.
In any event, these men deserve to be OUTED. In some way. But is the internet the best way to do it? One day the child (children) involved will see the negative comments their mother made about their father. I can’t imagine that will help their self-esteem. Even though it doesn’t help a child to have wants and needs while its father is out in the street living the life. I just feel that a crappy dad takes things a little too far.
However, before I say yes to another date….I will run him through the sex offender registry and through www.crappydads.com !
In any event, I wanted to discuss a website that I saw on twitter today. Had to share it for whatever value you feel it carries. The website is www.crappydads.com . Women can sign up to place pics of their ex’s, as well as stories of their love affairs gone wrong-all while outing the father of their children for not paying their child support.
I ADMIRE any man, black, white, whatever, who pays their child support or takes care of their children.Mostly I admire the new women of the men who admonish their men to take care of the child they had in a prior relationship. When my mother married my father, he came with the baggage of ten children from two prior relationships, and after the mother of the first set of children kicked them out, and the mother of the second set passed away, my mother was faced with the task of taking in all of her husband’s children.
In any event, these men deserve to be OUTED. In some way. But is the internet the best way to do it? One day the child (children) involved will see the negative comments their mother made about their father. I can’t imagine that will help their self-esteem. Even though it doesn’t help a child to have wants and needs while its father is out in the street living the life. I just feel that a crappy dad takes things a little too far.
However, before I say yes to another date….I will run him through the sex offender registry and through www.crappydads.com !
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Oh Boy, I need better interview questions!
Interviewing is my livelihood. I’ve worked in HR since I was 22. I interview for a living. I ask questions, asses’ body language, practice active listening and ask the same questions four different ways to see if I get five different answers. As a single woman we are taught to interview potentials at some point in the game. Not on the first date! Please don’t become Katherine Heigl in the “Ugly Truth” bringing a list of qualities and questions to the first date. Wow that’s kind of scary, though after being subjected to two seasons of “What Chilli Wants”; it seems that there are women out there that are that… (searching for politically correct term….STUPID).
However, through the process of telephone conversations, emails, dinner conversations etc, we should interview subtly or overtly. There’s no sense of investing months into a person who never wants to marry, or want children (if you do), or believes that women should be barefoot and pregnant, and you are a career woman. Most of us do our due diligence in this area, asking questions, keeping mental notes, remembering what he said, etc.
There have been several points in my life where I’ve been as low as I feel I could ever be. The first was in 1999 when the guy who had been my on again, off again boyfriend, as well as friend since I was eleven, was robbed and shot. He later died at the hospital on July 28. July 28 was my oldest sister’s birthday 45th birthday. My oldest sister, Patty took care of me as if she was another mother. She had been having a few health problems, and she didn’t have health insurance. 27 days after her 45th birthday, she was rushed to the hospital unable to breathe, four days later (31 days after her birthday); I was the last person to see her before she expired.
Fast forward to five years later, I quit my job that I had been at for five years to join a new organization. It was a bad decision, and it was rocky from the start. Because I was in transition, I had no health insurance. Within a month of joining the new company I had to be hospitalized for pneumonia, after being released from the hospital (the same weekend) I was in a car accident with other people, days later my neighbor backed into my car, and two weeks later my brother, Richard Jr. was hospitalized for kidney issues. He died three days later. Less than two months later, I was laid off from my new company.
Recently, I had a baby niece pass in the summer, a baby nephew pass away at the end of February, house burglarized, financial problems, and my father in the hospital for surgery.
I obviously can’t answer this question. If I could I believe I may find the key to unlock the reason for my singleness. We as women sometimes get caught up in the interview process about credit scores, does he rent or own? What’s his career aspiration? Does he want five children like I do? These are all great questions. How about asking, tell me about a trying time in your life and how you dealt with it? Have you ever had a relationship with a woman while she was going through adversity? Tell me about how you reacted to her adversity.
Let me tell you, if he can’t remember when he’s had adversity, or can’t remember a time when a woman in his life been through anything and he was there….I’m not sure he’s a quality candidate. It’s only when you’ve experienced life that you know how to effectively deal with it. Meaning if he’s never been through ANYTHING there’s no way he can transfer any prior experience to deal with you and your issue(s). Even if he has had adversity, carefully listen to how he explains he dealt with it. Therein lays the answer to if he would allow you to have your process, no matter how long it takes, or if he wants you to get over it so he can go back to being the center of your attention.
BTW, if you haven’t had an issue yet, live for a while! No one is exempt from life’s ups and downs. The key is to have someone by your side that you can depend on in your darkest hour.
And with that….add tested character to your list!
However, through the process of telephone conversations, emails, dinner conversations etc, we should interview subtly or overtly. There’s no sense of investing months into a person who never wants to marry, or want children (if you do), or believes that women should be barefoot and pregnant, and you are a career woman. Most of us do our due diligence in this area, asking questions, keeping mental notes, remembering what he said, etc.
There have been several points in my life where I’ve been as low as I feel I could ever be. The first was in 1999 when the guy who had been my on again, off again boyfriend, as well as friend since I was eleven, was robbed and shot. He later died at the hospital on July 28. July 28 was my oldest sister’s birthday 45th birthday. My oldest sister, Patty took care of me as if she was another mother. She had been having a few health problems, and she didn’t have health insurance. 27 days after her 45th birthday, she was rushed to the hospital unable to breathe, four days later (31 days after her birthday); I was the last person to see her before she expired.
Fast forward to five years later, I quit my job that I had been at for five years to join a new organization. It was a bad decision, and it was rocky from the start. Because I was in transition, I had no health insurance. Within a month of joining the new company I had to be hospitalized for pneumonia, after being released from the hospital (the same weekend) I was in a car accident with other people, days later my neighbor backed into my car, and two weeks later my brother, Richard Jr. was hospitalized for kidney issues. He died three days later. Less than two months later, I was laid off from my new company.
Recently, I had a baby niece pass in the summer, a baby nephew pass away at the end of February, house burglarized, financial problems, and my father in the hospital for surgery.
I thank God that I’ve survived all of it. So this isn’t a gripe blog in any way!The point is that in all three stages I was in a relationship of some sort. Hard times, trials, tribulations require the person who you are seeing to have character. The true test of a man’s manhood is how gentle he can be in a true time of need. Here’s our test as women. How can you truly test his character before you invest too much time? Who wants to find out when they are burying their sister that the man in their life can’t handle pressure, or can’t put himself to the side enough to find comforting words, or do little things to take a woman’s mind off of things?
I obviously can’t answer this question. If I could I believe I may find the key to unlock the reason for my singleness. We as women sometimes get caught up in the interview process about credit scores, does he rent or own? What’s his career aspiration? Does he want five children like I do? These are all great questions. How about asking, tell me about a trying time in your life and how you dealt with it? Have you ever had a relationship with a woman while she was going through adversity? Tell me about how you reacted to her adversity.
Let me tell you, if he can’t remember when he’s had adversity, or can’t remember a time when a woman in his life been through anything and he was there….I’m not sure he’s a quality candidate. It’s only when you’ve experienced life that you know how to effectively deal with it. Meaning if he’s never been through ANYTHING there’s no way he can transfer any prior experience to deal with you and your issue(s). Even if he has had adversity, carefully listen to how he explains he dealt with it. Therein lays the answer to if he would allow you to have your process, no matter how long it takes, or if he wants you to get over it so he can go back to being the center of your attention.
BTW, if you haven’t had an issue yet, live for a while! No one is exempt from life’s ups and downs. The key is to have someone by your side that you can depend on in your darkest hour.
And with that….add tested character to your list!
Friday, February 25, 2011
What’s your Identification?
There are things about me that are easily identifiable. If a stranger pretended to be a close family member my friends can ask them my favorite foods or drinks the failure to answer correctly will allow my friends to deduce that this person really doesn’t know me.
In my diverse life of relationships, I’ve had several acrimonious endings. It’s hard to go back and inventory what each person commonly possessed that made the relationship end in disarray. Wait! If I’m looking for a common denominator should I inventory them….or me?
I recently had a conversation with a male friend who I knew had some personal problems, but I didn’t know to what extent. When he came clean reality punched me in the damn face! Wow. HE NEEDS ME! Uh Oh...Common Denominator. I FEEL THAT HE NEEDS ME!
I think I found my I.D. I am often attracted to, and attract men that I think I can help. See there’s a difference between being good for someone, and being supportive of someone; versus having them need and depend on you. It’s unnatural. We as women should not wear our maternal badges with our men...nah uh, I want him to see me as a sexual object not his mom or sister. We insult them by doing that, and reduce him to a son like state instead of his alpha male state.
Common “HE NEEDS ME”
He has problems with his kids…I’m helping them build a better relationship with them. Sometimes he needs me to help him shop for them and occasionally babysit. His kid’s mother is a trip; I give him advice dealing with her, because he doesn’t understand women.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He just needs my help in picking out interview clothes, looking at job search sites, and knowing how to interview. I mean really, how would he know how to job hunt if I don’t help him?
He’s in business. I’m helping him… Why should he read books if I’m smart enough to do it all. He appreciates all that I do for him, it’ll make our relationship stronger…*blank stare*
He’s trying to buy a car...Why not let him borrow mine until he gets one. They’re expensive. He can drop me off from work and pick me up. Or it’s not that much of an inconvenience if I catch the morning train in and he picks me up from work.
There is a difference in two people who are MARRIED and therefore ONE assisting each other to the point of total sacrifice. Helping him is helping me and therefore us. If you are UNMARRIED even in a COMMITTED relationship, there are ways to help, but not going to the levels of extreme. For instance if you hear of a job, tell him about it but don’t go around town dropping his resume to get him an opportunity. Let him be the man in the relationship and take the lead in his own life.
God forbid if you are uncommitted. He will respect you more if you just talk to him about it, letting him vent. But if you print out a job posting for him... that’s just weird.
These are all some of the He Needs Me I came in contact with. Each time I had them I reacted differently.
Let’s just review the truth
He has problems with his kids…He has problems with his baby mamma...Girl he doesn’t pay damn child support! And he’s cheap with his time and his money with his kids... The baby mamma ain’t feeling him and his kids are smart enough to see right through him, and you just spent your money so he can get credit for doing something his trifling ass should done all along.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He doesn’t want a damn job…So he’s going to keep letting you print out job search leads while he pretends he doesn’t know how to use job search sites. And instead of you saying go to the library and learn you baby him like he’s a 14 year old boy.
He’s in business. Who gets the profits from his business? Whose business is it? I’d tell him to call the local college and get a free intern...Unless there is a contract where you are paying me…I can’t do it! It’s just business.
He’s trying to buy a car...Wake up and smell the motor oil. He’s banking that money; he’s not trying to buy one I had this one happen to me. He was driving my car to cheat on me while I was at work and his little money he saved he used for the wedding, when he eventually married her...
Know your ID…SO YOU CAN I.D NEED/WANT GOOD/BAD! Remember help in the right perspective to assist, not to do... Remember he should see you as a sex symbol not mommy or babysitter! Unless the man is Oedipus, no man wants sex with mommy!
In my diverse life of relationships, I’ve had several acrimonious endings. It’s hard to go back and inventory what each person commonly possessed that made the relationship end in disarray. Wait! If I’m looking for a common denominator should I inventory them….or me?
I recently had a conversation with a male friend who I knew had some personal problems, but I didn’t know to what extent. When he came clean reality punched me in the damn face! Wow. HE NEEDS ME! Uh Oh...Common Denominator. I FEEL THAT HE NEEDS ME!
I think I found my I.D. I am often attracted to, and attract men that I think I can help. See there’s a difference between being good for someone, and being supportive of someone; versus having them need and depend on you. It’s unnatural. We as women should not wear our maternal badges with our men...nah uh, I want him to see me as a sexual object not his mom or sister. We insult them by doing that, and reduce him to a son like state instead of his alpha male state.
Common “HE NEEDS ME”
He has problems with his kids…I’m helping them build a better relationship with them. Sometimes he needs me to help him shop for them and occasionally babysit. His kid’s mother is a trip; I give him advice dealing with her, because he doesn’t understand women.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He just needs my help in picking out interview clothes, looking at job search sites, and knowing how to interview. I mean really, how would he know how to job hunt if I don’t help him?
He’s in business. I’m helping him… Why should he read books if I’m smart enough to do it all. He appreciates all that I do for him, it’ll make our relationship stronger…*blank stare*
He’s trying to buy a car...Why not let him borrow mine until he gets one. They’re expensive. He can drop me off from work and pick me up. Or it’s not that much of an inconvenience if I catch the morning train in and he picks me up from work.
There is a difference in two people who are MARRIED and therefore ONE assisting each other to the point of total sacrifice. Helping him is helping me and therefore us. If you are UNMARRIED even in a COMMITTED relationship, there are ways to help, but not going to the levels of extreme. For instance if you hear of a job, tell him about it but don’t go around town dropping his resume to get him an opportunity. Let him be the man in the relationship and take the lead in his own life.
God forbid if you are uncommitted. He will respect you more if you just talk to him about it, letting him vent. But if you print out a job posting for him... that’s just weird.
These are all some of the He Needs Me I came in contact with. Each time I had them I reacted differently.
Let’s just review the truth
He has problems with his kids…He has problems with his baby mamma...Girl he doesn’t pay damn child support! And he’s cheap with his time and his money with his kids... The baby mamma ain’t feeling him and his kids are smart enough to see right through him, and you just spent your money so he can get credit for doing something his trifling ass should done all along.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He doesn’t want a damn job…So he’s going to keep letting you print out job search leads while he pretends he doesn’t know how to use job search sites. And instead of you saying go to the library and learn you baby him like he’s a 14 year old boy.
He’s in business. Who gets the profits from his business? Whose business is it? I’d tell him to call the local college and get a free intern...Unless there is a contract where you are paying me…I can’t do it! It’s just business.
He’s trying to buy a car...Wake up and smell the motor oil. He’s banking that money; he’s not trying to buy one I had this one happen to me. He was driving my car to cheat on me while I was at work and his little money he saved he used for the wedding, when he eventually married her...
Remember somehow this man survived 20, 30, 40, 50 years on this earth before he met you! He’s got this!He doesn’t and shouldn’t NEED YOU, he should WANT YOU! Because the moment the NEED is filled, he’s out.If he wants you, he’ll continue to be there and appreciate YOU not what you DO!
Know your ID…SO YOU CAN I.D NEED/WANT GOOD/BAD! Remember help in the right perspective to assist, not to do... Remember he should see you as a sex symbol not mommy or babysitter! Unless the man is Oedipus, no man wants sex with mommy!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post
This is a good article. I'm not a proponet of asking a guy on the first date about his intentions for marriage, only because if he asked you to marry him on the first date you would and should be leery. But somewhere in dates 3 or 4 when you are feeling like you might want to invest your time in him, these are good questions to ask.
http://findingsoulmatesuccess.com/is-he-marriage-material-6-signs-that-tell-if-his-is
http://findingsoulmatesuccess.com/is-he-marriage-material-6-signs-that-tell-if-his-is
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Desire is for Him...My Desire is for him
A have an older female friend who I had a very poignant conversation with. She’s in her early 50’s very smart and attractive. Nice figure, beautiful face, long flowing hair. It’s like man, I’m in my 30’s and I wish I had it going on like her. Because of her beauty she has lots of different opportunities with men. But she’s made the wrong choices, and has been hurt because of them. She is strong in her Christian faith and worships God like no other woman I know. But I couldn’t believe what she told me, how delusional and jaded her hurt has made her. Her comment
“As long as I have God I don’t ever want another man in my life, I can stay single until I die”
I sat there with my classic blank stare. Then I responded “sweetie you were made for man, and the bible states that a woman’s desire shall be for her husband. I understand being hurt, and not wanting to be hurt, but wanting to live the rest of your days without comfort?”
She went on to talk about how her pastor feels that single women have the hand of God on their life more than married women. The topic came up because I was mentioning how I want to meet Mr. Right; she told me that I didn’t need a man in my life. I can spend the rest of my days just as I am. I don’t want to go further into that conversation because its heartbreaking to me that someone who has so much life left would let THEIR OWN bad decisions in the PAST shape what their future is, and furthermore would suggest to a woman with no kids in her 30’s, to NEVER want to get married…
Now before you go defending what she’s saying, let me say that I am not an advocate of chasing after men, hunting them down, and dragging them to the alter to force I Do’s from him. But I believe in being open to the right one when he comes along and putting the right vibes out there to get him. Then after you date him you tie him up, hook him to the back of your pick up, and hogtie him to a pew in the church forcing I Do’s
I was validated in my thoughts when listening to Pastor Joel Olsten. He made a very moving point this morning. It is completely NORMAL to desire intimacy. It is a reflection of God’s desire to be intimate with us. Ladies…If you are single please don’t’ let ANYONE tell you that it’s wrong for you to want someone in your life. God made me to be caring, smart, wonderful, and splendid; did He not want to share that with anyone? Did He make me without wanting me to affect man whom I was made for?
The more realistic way of thinking should be that I don’t ever want another man in my life whose purpose is to destroy it. I want a man who wants and loves me, not someone who wants to emotionally and mentally rape and pillage me. I want he who He has purposed for me, not he who I chose out of loneliness.
On this Sunday, I want to encourage single women that it is okay to desire. You are a woman! Unless you are dead every part of you inside and out should desire intimacy. It’s how we channel and deal with that desire that often gets us in trouble!
“As long as I have God I don’t ever want another man in my life, I can stay single until I die”
I sat there with my classic blank stare. Then I responded “sweetie you were made for man, and the bible states that a woman’s desire shall be for her husband. I understand being hurt, and not wanting to be hurt, but wanting to live the rest of your days without comfort?”
She went on to talk about how her pastor feels that single women have the hand of God on their life more than married women. The topic came up because I was mentioning how I want to meet Mr. Right; she told me that I didn’t need a man in my life. I can spend the rest of my days just as I am. I don’t want to go further into that conversation because its heartbreaking to me that someone who has so much life left would let THEIR OWN bad decisions in the PAST shape what their future is, and furthermore would suggest to a woman with no kids in her 30’s, to NEVER want to get married…
Now before you go defending what she’s saying, let me say that I am not an advocate of chasing after men, hunting them down, and dragging them to the alter to force I Do’s from him. But I believe in being open to the right one when he comes along and putting the right vibes out there to get him. Then after you date him you tie him up, hook him to the back of your pick up, and hogtie him to a pew in the church forcing I Do’s
I was validated in my thoughts when listening to Pastor Joel Olsten. He made a very moving point this morning. It is completely NORMAL to desire intimacy. It is a reflection of God’s desire to be intimate with us. Ladies…If you are single please don’t’ let ANYONE tell you that it’s wrong for you to want someone in your life. God made me to be caring, smart, wonderful, and splendid; did He not want to share that with anyone? Did He make me without wanting me to affect man whom I was made for?
The more realistic way of thinking should be that I don’t ever want another man in my life whose purpose is to destroy it. I want a man who wants and loves me, not someone who wants to emotionally and mentally rape and pillage me. I want he who He has purposed for me, not he who I chose out of loneliness.
On this Sunday, I want to encourage single women that it is okay to desire. You are a woman! Unless you are dead every part of you inside and out should desire intimacy. It’s how we channel and deal with that desire that often gets us in trouble!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Alternate Methods?
Alternate Methods?
I waited to write this post until I completed my research on the topic. This past Monday I went Speed Dating with a friend. I received many emails from the organization that offers speed dating here in town, but I was always too nervous to go. I was always too shy, scared, or concerned that going to such an event would make me seem desperate. I also couldn’t get the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin out of my head. You know the one where they’re at the booths and the one lady says her name is Gina, short for VaGina and the African American funny friend of Steve Carrell is spiting game on the girls and writes on the card….”She was hurtin for a squirtin”…Yep not exactly an experience I was looking forward to.
Let me back peddle a little bit to two years ago. It was then when I first tried my hand at eHarmony. I simultaneously had profiles posted at eHarmony, Black Planet, and Match.com (Formerly Yahoo Singles). I met a guy on Black Planet that I went on one date with. We had a phone conversation (about sports) that was sooo annoying, I told him to lose my number. Furthermore, he hadn’t posted his religious beliefs on the site, so I had no idea that our religious ideals were worlds apart. For some people this isn’t a deal breaker. For me it is, I feel like each person should date what they can deal with.
It took some time before I scored a date with eHarmony. Started communicating with a fiiinnnee MBA student. Full time MBA student at a prestigious university, but FT (NO JOB) MBA student none the less. We spent all day and night on the phone. He couldn’t wait to meet me (so he says). He would just call and say meet me tonight, but I’m the type of woman that would like to plan a first date, not just show up without my best self in tow. But one night I did it. Can you tell the result?? Bad Date! Really bad. He was drunk when I got there. And when leaving he opened the double doors of the restaurant on me. I often joke that he was parting the red sea.
Match.Com continuously sent me Caucasian Jewish Men as matches. While I have noooo problem dating interracially, yes that’s another post. I have a problem with specifically stating on the site for Christian men, and getting Jewish matches. NO disrespect to Jewish individuals, but I’m not interested in marrying outside my core religious believes.
I’ve had one bad occurrence with each type of alternate method...Doesn’t exactly mean the method was terrible.
Back to Speed Dating….I walk in and there are 26 Caucasian men there, and one mixed male. I’m African American, and the friend I went with is Hispanic. Out of 26 women, there was only one black woman there.
But WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! I thought 42.4% of Black women may never find a mate in their race. Point? I spoke with an administrator at eHarmony about my lack of African American Male matches; he voiced his agreement but stated, “Not too many African Americans sign up for the service”.
My first date at the speed date was my little mixed cutie and he said that he goes to a speed dating event once every other month with the group, and the two black women and one Hispanic woman there, was the most minorities he’d seen there EVER. He said that he asked the dating group for more Minority Parties, their response…”We would do it, but minorities never show up”
What is the stigma against using alternate methods in finding a mate? Is it that we believe that we are sinning if we decided to make a push toward our goals of marriage? I understand that the scripture states “that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing”, and when I talk about speed dating, eHarmony, using a dating service…That’s the first thing I hear from close minded people. What about “Faith without Works is Dead?” To take it from the spiritual realm to the secular, most people say that if you have a dream you have to make steps towards it. Meaning, if I want to be a doctor I actually have to go to med school, I actually have to study to get good grades while there, and I have to apply to a residency to be accepted one. People use this most practical advice for the smallest things in life. If I want a cake I have to buy the flour, milk, eggs, vanilla. I have to then go to the kitchen, mix it up, and put it in the oven. While it’s in there I have to watch it so I don’t burn it.
But when it comes to finding a mate…It’s like oh well. If God wanted me to have one I’d meet him in Target. God knows where I am, He can send my husband there. But in any other area in our life we are go getters, and asking God to bless our hard work..But we’re lazy when it comes to ending loneliness.
Use alternate methods…If you don’t meet your mate through these methods so be it, then its God’s will. But at least do something. Going out with our girls, or sitting in our room on our lap top drinking coco (oops I’m telling on myself) won’t produce us results.
Here are some quick tips to using internet dating (I’ve learned the hard way)
•Use a FULL BODY picture. Because this person doesn’t have the luxury of seeing you in full view meeting you, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether they are attracted to all of you. I know I have extra extra extra meat on my bones, but after putting full body pictures out there my profile is getting more attention.
•Be as specific as possible! You have the luxury of being matched with people who meet your qualifications. Unlike meeting a man in the grocery store, and then finding out on the second date that he smokes, you won’t be matched with a smoker (if that’s one of your qualifications).
•Focus on the similarities between you and the match and not the differences
•Start off slow! Email, IM, and phone, no dates until you are completely ready
•BACKGROUND CHECK! Before you get serious, guess what if you meet dude over bananas in the grocery store you better background check him http://www.intelius.com/ is one inexpensive way to protect you against a predator.
•Lastly, and most importantly…Don’t look at each match or meet as a potential life mate. HAVE FUN! Don’t add the pressure, and sure enough don’t make it into an instant relationship. Dating should be fun, let’s not flub it up with dreams of white dresses and a baby in 10 months!
I waited to write this post until I completed my research on the topic. This past Monday I went Speed Dating with a friend. I received many emails from the organization that offers speed dating here in town, but I was always too nervous to go. I was always too shy, scared, or concerned that going to such an event would make me seem desperate. I also couldn’t get the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin out of my head. You know the one where they’re at the booths and the one lady says her name is Gina, short for VaGina and the African American funny friend of Steve Carrell is spiting game on the girls and writes on the card….”She was hurtin for a squirtin”…Yep not exactly an experience I was looking forward to.
Let me back peddle a little bit to two years ago. It was then when I first tried my hand at eHarmony. I simultaneously had profiles posted at eHarmony, Black Planet, and Match.com (Formerly Yahoo Singles). I met a guy on Black Planet that I went on one date with. We had a phone conversation (about sports) that was sooo annoying, I told him to lose my number. Furthermore, he hadn’t posted his religious beliefs on the site, so I had no idea that our religious ideals were worlds apart. For some people this isn’t a deal breaker. For me it is, I feel like each person should date what they can deal with.
It took some time before I scored a date with eHarmony. Started communicating with a fiiinnnee MBA student. Full time MBA student at a prestigious university, but FT (NO JOB) MBA student none the less. We spent all day and night on the phone. He couldn’t wait to meet me (so he says). He would just call and say meet me tonight, but I’m the type of woman that would like to plan a first date, not just show up without my best self in tow. But one night I did it. Can you tell the result?? Bad Date! Really bad. He was drunk when I got there. And when leaving he opened the double doors of the restaurant on me. I often joke that he was parting the red sea.
Match.Com continuously sent me Caucasian Jewish Men as matches. While I have noooo problem dating interracially, yes that’s another post. I have a problem with specifically stating on the site for Christian men, and getting Jewish matches. NO disrespect to Jewish individuals, but I’m not interested in marrying outside my core religious believes.
I’ve had one bad occurrence with each type of alternate method...Doesn’t exactly mean the method was terrible.
Back to Speed Dating….I walk in and there are 26 Caucasian men there, and one mixed male. I’m African American, and the friend I went with is Hispanic. Out of 26 women, there was only one black woman there.
But WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! I thought 42.4% of Black women may never find a mate in their race. Point? I spoke with an administrator at eHarmony about my lack of African American Male matches; he voiced his agreement but stated, “Not too many African Americans sign up for the service”.
My first date at the speed date was my little mixed cutie and he said that he goes to a speed dating event once every other month with the group, and the two black women and one Hispanic woman there, was the most minorities he’d seen there EVER. He said that he asked the dating group for more Minority Parties, their response…”We would do it, but minorities never show up”
What is the stigma against using alternate methods in finding a mate? Is it that we believe that we are sinning if we decided to make a push toward our goals of marriage? I understand that the scripture states “that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing”, and when I talk about speed dating, eHarmony, using a dating service…That’s the first thing I hear from close minded people. What about “Faith without Works is Dead?” To take it from the spiritual realm to the secular, most people say that if you have a dream you have to make steps towards it. Meaning, if I want to be a doctor I actually have to go to med school, I actually have to study to get good grades while there, and I have to apply to a residency to be accepted one. People use this most practical advice for the smallest things in life. If I want a cake I have to buy the flour, milk, eggs, vanilla. I have to then go to the kitchen, mix it up, and put it in the oven. While it’s in there I have to watch it so I don’t burn it.
But when it comes to finding a mate…It’s like oh well. If God wanted me to have one I’d meet him in Target. God knows where I am, He can send my husband there. But in any other area in our life we are go getters, and asking God to bless our hard work..But we’re lazy when it comes to ending loneliness.
Use alternate methods…If you don’t meet your mate through these methods so be it, then its God’s will. But at least do something. Going out with our girls, or sitting in our room on our lap top drinking coco (oops I’m telling on myself) won’t produce us results.
Yes, you may meet your man at the grocery store, but who knows if you put yourself out there, you may meet that same man (even sooner) from alternate methods.
Here are some quick tips to using internet dating (I’ve learned the hard way)
•Use a FULL BODY picture. Because this person doesn’t have the luxury of seeing you in full view meeting you, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether they are attracted to all of you. I know I have extra extra extra meat on my bones, but after putting full body pictures out there my profile is getting more attention.
•Be as specific as possible! You have the luxury of being matched with people who meet your qualifications. Unlike meeting a man in the grocery store, and then finding out on the second date that he smokes, you won’t be matched with a smoker (if that’s one of your qualifications).
•Focus on the similarities between you and the match and not the differences
•Start off slow! Email, IM, and phone, no dates until you are completely ready
•BACKGROUND CHECK! Before you get serious, guess what if you meet dude over bananas in the grocery store you better background check him http://www.intelius.com/ is one inexpensive way to protect you against a predator.
•Lastly, and most importantly…Don’t look at each match or meet as a potential life mate. HAVE FUN! Don’t add the pressure, and sure enough don’t make it into an instant relationship. Dating should be fun, let’s not flub it up with dreams of white dresses and a baby in 10 months!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Run Away Bride, Or Run Away, Bride!
Runaway Bride? Or Run Away, Bride!
Tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta will feature the maybe wedding of Cynthia Bailey, International Model, and Peter Thomas, Jamaican-American Atlanta Business Man. The question is whether or not she will marry Mr. Thomas. Though this post is not about her per se, I thought she would be a good example of whether or not a woman who questions the viability of the relationship she is in is a Runaway Bride, or should she Run Away, Bride.
Entering into a new relationship or a new chapter in a woman’s life is very scary. Though it is our desire not to be alone, most of us travel the would be relationship road with great trepidation. Our trepidation could be due to being hurt in the past, not wanting to change our lifestyle from single to not single, or just pure fear over what the future holds. We try to find reasons to push a good man away. He messes up one thing and we’re ready to end the relationship. He wants to have poker night with his friends and we instantly let our friends, who may or may not have much relationship experience, or have our best intentions at heart, tell us that this man must be on the DL if he wants to spend all this time with his friends. How stupid does that sound? But I’ve heard it. Things like If he wants a poker night he can have it with you, why would he go drink with his buddies after work, why won’t he just meet up with you and drink? Not realizing that he needs to keep his friendship with men so he can appreciate the time he spends with you. Conversly, not realizing, that just as he spends time with his friends, as a woman you should continue to spend time with yours. In doing so, it will make the time you spend together more special and wonderful. We need to realize when we are pushing an opportunity away due to commitment fears or issues. This woman is a Runaway Bride. We could of and should have been married by now, but we’ve pushed so many men away that we’ve missed out on opportunities.
There are some women who are in relationships that they absolutely need to run away from. We stay in relationships (before marriage) for different reasons. Sometimes we’ve had kids with the man so you figure why leave? Other times our family and our friends like him and are pushing us towards him so we stay, there’s fears about being single and finding another person to love us and accept us, so we stay where we are. It can even be that the woman is a church going God Fearing woman, and members of her church family ( Pastor included) is pushing her to marry the man she’s been with to stop living in sin. Even if there are misgivings about the relationship, individuals on the outside of your relationship can push you into something when they think it’s for your own good. As I stated before, in the Misters Part II, if there is a voice in your head telling you that something is shady about him perhaps you need to think things over a little bit. It’s okay if you are with someone and you are not ready to get married yet, or if you are not ready to jump with both feet in, there might be a reason. Remember, a woman’s intuition can be very keen. YOU are the only person who has to lie next to this man at night. Don’t let someone tell you to marry to stay out of hell in your afterlife and you end up marrying into hell in your life on earth. Know that you must always ask God for clarity, and if he starts to show you things, it’s okay to take a step back, reason things over, and Run Away, Bride.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Coping Mechanisms
I am a 30+ African American Woman from an extremely large family. I am well educated, some would say over educated if they knew how much I owed in student loans. But yet I find myself unmarried. I think I’m cute. I’ve been told that I’m attractive. I have extra weight that I can stand to lose, but I hear from men all the time “if I were single I’d definitely date you.” Little do they know that doesn’t make me smile inside or give me a glimmer of hope like it would some women. It actually pisses me the bleep off. Because then I begin to think, well why didn’t you when you were single? Or what exactly does that mean? Or if that were true, and you knew someone who was single and nice why wouldn’t you hook me up if you believe I’m so datable?
But that’s just me. Someone else may hear that and get a twinkle in their eye and pep in their step. But to me it’s just another reminder of the lack of available men out there. The odds of me hitting the Mega Millions or the Powerball are around 1 in 176 Million, and 1 in 183 Million respectively. But at least I can buy tickets for a chance twice a week. What are the odds of meeting my soul mate? How do I buy tickets for more chances? If I can throw my hat in the ring for millions of dollars twice a week, shouldn’t there be a way for me to do the same to find a mate?
The tiled background of this page is that of a bridesmaid. Wearing an ugly purple dress, and she herself doesn’t appear to be Ms. America
That’s the stigma that single women face. They use the adage that “there’s a reason you’re single”, and each day you’re single it’s almost like you are a carton of milk on a shelf. Worse than that your co-workers, family, friends, acquaintances, people at the grocery store, etc have all given you an expiration date. Worse than that their thinking WTH wrong with you? Something has to be. There’s some mathematic equation to answer the question of why you’re still single.
So the answer to this is referred to as coping mechanisms. How do you cope with this? Do you cuss them out? Tell them F you I’m perfect its men that are the problem? Do you internalize it to say maybe I am F’d up and who would want me? Or do you just accept, this is my situation, hopefully it will change, but perhaps it won’t?
I can’t answer that for you. If you have any good coping mechanisms please share. What I do know is that I don’t have a Scarlett letter on my chest for being single. I know that there are some reasons I am still single, and I know other times I’m like F him, he was the problem. But none of these are proper way to navigate through a life of singleness.OR being the bride’s maid in an ugly ass purple dresss! If you have tips on wearing the purple dress and wearing it confidently, with hope, and being glam while wearing it, share it!
The Misters Part II
Part Duex is late. But in response to being dilatory, Double Post Tuesday
Mr. I Wonder
Mr. I Wonder is very common for women who are truly single. Meaning, their not dealing with a man in any way at the current time. I think Mr. I Wonder is one of the most dangerous of all the MISTERS! Because of the situation and the circumstances, Ms. Single, Ms. Lonely, Ms. Need Companionship becomes open to a relationship that she never would have been open to if she even had a casual friend in her life. So if our mind isn’t in the right place, and our hearts are lonely, we begin to wonder about the brother across the way who’s been flirting with us. He may be the guy that works at the bank who always gives us an extra smile and asks you to hit him up. There had always been something kind of suspicious about these guys, like maybe on Tuesday he had on a wedding band, but when you talked to him Friday he talked about how he single and was out at the club... Something isn’t right, like he’s shady behind the scenes.
I’ll draw from my own personal example, because I know that no one wants to admit to this. There was a young man who was crazy, crazy, crazy about me. I became totally single. No Mr. Right Now, No Commitment, Nothing. Heck I wasn’t even kicking it with B.O.B at that time…(umm if you don’t know what a B.O.B is, I can’t fill you in here…lol). Other people would see the little things he would do for me and comment. “You know he’s a nice guy and he really seems to like you, you’re single, give him a chance.” So I allowed him to become my friend by listening to my loneliness instead of my mind and spirit, and listening to other people, who didn’t necessarily have my best intentions at heart. He was crazy, crazy, crazy about me…Now I know why…The brother is literally CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY! I still have issues with getting him out of my life. My spirit called me to stay away from him, but I made him Mr. I Wonder. I wonder if he’d be a good boyfriend to me, he sure is nice. I wonder why I don’t feel completely comfortable around him, but that’s just me being silly right?
Listen…A man is a natural hunter. No lie, God made them that way. In response, God gave women better instincts. The hunter will hunt you down, but if a woman doesn’t want to be caught. She doesn’t have to be. It’s when we throw common sense and our instincts to the side that bad things happen to us. Something really bad could have happened to me if I would have entered a relationship with this man. My instincts told me, but my attention deficiency ignored it.
Btw, mine turned out to be crazy, but yours could be married, a con artist, or have a criminal past that he isn’t disclosing. Don’t just think, nall I don’t know crazy men, but you may be prey some other way.
Mr. Right Now
AKA Mr. Convenient! We’ve all had a Mr. Right Now, and in some cases it’s not necessarily a bad thing, if the situation is understood and mutual to begin with. The saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, applies here. Because usually Mr. Right Now isn’t some upstanding man that you can see yourself having children with and spending the rest of your days with. He is usually a whorish man that you can’t turn into a husband. PLEASE DON’T TRY IT! Just because you are dealing with this brother, doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be or should be committed to this man! Don’t get too involved. Because unlike most of the other Misters, there is a relationship there so the possibility of hurt and pain exists, if you do not guard your heart and deal with the transaction for what it is. Not just sexual, it doesn’t have to be at all. It can be someone to take you to dinner and the movies, or do little things around the house with and for you. If it is sexual…..Then that’s even more protecting of yourself that you need to do (in every way)!
As I stated, I don’t actually see this as a terrible thing as long as you know to keep everything in its place. BUT….THIS IS A BIGGGGGG BUTTTT! The Average White Band said it best “The Sooner You Give The Sooner You Get to Have a Love of Your Own”. So don’t let Mr. Right Now stay around tooo long. With him there, you may not get the love of your own that you truly desire!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
THE MISTERS
This is late! But blame my Business Statistics class for that! Lol
But I will try to keep a more regular schedule of postings in the future. This is designed to be therapeutic, and what happens when our therapists postpones our appointments? We jump of the bridge...we figuratively, in our case we may jump to the wrong love life conclusions, or jump in bed……
So here we go with these Misters
Mr. In My Mind
Mr. What IF
Mr. I Wonder
Mr. Right Now
Notice none of these are Mr. Right, that’s the most glaring resemblance between the four. Though there are other resemblances.
So here we go! Get ready; I’m on your block and maybe in your living room with this. Because no matter what state of relationship you are in marriage, divorced, recently single, committed, or casually seeing someone. We have all as WOMEN black, white, or other, dealt with one of these on this list... We may be dealing with them now (notice I hid my face when I said it because to be honest…….)
Mr. In My Mind:
This guy comes in two different forms. The first type is that he is the guy that we have envisioned in our mind... For example we say and think things like, I’m waiting on God to send my husband, but I know he’s 6’1 (because I don’t want short), he’s dark with some smooth chocolate skin, white teeth, low hair cut, he’s sweet he brings me roses every Friday. He’s soo smart. He knows the difference between a Hypothesis and a Hypothalamus. He’s soo good with money, he has a bank account with tens of thousands in it…he doesn’t have any debt! He’s so educated; he has his Master’s in Astro-Physics from Princeton. He always smells great! He can cook. He massages my back, HE CLEANS! He irons up all the clothes... HE CAN DRESS! He has such great style he picks out my clothes for me when he shops for me. He loves his family, he loves my family, he wants five kids (2 girls and 3 boys of course). HE LOOOVES GOODD, he’s soo saved! He knows every scripture in the Bible and lives and walks by it… Can I stop now, I’m making myself sick!
If you didn’t know, let me be the first to tell you… Girl if this aforementioned guy chances are if he’s not gay, he’s a player, and therefore…..just not that into you...
Truth is that we need to realize that it’s okay to be attracted to what we are attracted too. Though I’m not a skinny girl by any means, I don’t like a bigger guy… I don’t like skinny guys either because I’d break them, but someone with some meat on their bones can get it! Anyway, if I met a guy that I had some chemistry with and he had a few extra pounds why not give it a shot... Conversely if he has a size 28 waist I may have to try it... We as women get so focused on what we’ve put together in our mind as the perfect guy for us, we push away other opportunities… I’m not saying date a midget, but hell a 5’4 brother needs love too. And in the end the brother in your mind is probably a wife beater, where short brother is a lover…not a fighter.
For the second Mr. In My Mind…See What IF
Mr. What If...aaahhh a very common one.
Let me start with an example; I know a fine brother who is very educated. Nice smooth skin, intelligent, makes good money blah blah blah... I was his friend. I listened to his relationship problems. Like WTF is this woman doing? She has a man with all of these qualities and she’s treating him like this. Man. What IF he left her? What IF he saw what good a friend I am too him? What IF he saw me all dressed up would he be attracted to me? What IF she knew the things he told me, would she throw him out? Would WE be together then? I must be in his life to be his friend because he’s the one God wants to bless me with right?
Scenario’s started playing out “In My Mind” I know the sex would be good... I know he would take care of me in and out the bedroom. In my mind I took things he said and made them into steps towards him wanting something more than a relationship with me...
But Thank God he stepped in! Did that couple get divorced? Yes did he end up with me NO.? But in the divorce dealings did I find out some IIIISSSHHH about him that I didn’t know. HELL YEA! I had my mouth open, and when I think back on it, hell yeah he was in the wrong …Really wrong... Not with me... I didn’t make the cut on his list... Extensive list.
Okay, that’s a lot to digest, so how bout I come back Sunday with a Part two about the other Mr.’s
But I will try to keep a more regular schedule of postings in the future. This is designed to be therapeutic, and what happens when our therapists postpones our appointments? We jump of the bridge...we figuratively, in our case we may jump to the wrong love life conclusions, or jump in bed……
So here we go with these Misters
Mr. In My Mind
Mr. What IF
Mr. I Wonder
Mr. Right Now
Notice none of these are Mr. Right, that’s the most glaring resemblance between the four. Though there are other resemblances.
So here we go! Get ready; I’m on your block and maybe in your living room with this. Because no matter what state of relationship you are in marriage, divorced, recently single, committed, or casually seeing someone. We have all as WOMEN black, white, or other, dealt with one of these on this list... We may be dealing with them now (notice I hid my face when I said it because to be honest…….)
Mr. In My Mind:
This guy comes in two different forms. The first type is that he is the guy that we have envisioned in our mind... For example we say and think things like, I’m waiting on God to send my husband, but I know he’s 6’1 (because I don’t want short), he’s dark with some smooth chocolate skin, white teeth, low hair cut, he’s sweet he brings me roses every Friday. He’s soo smart. He knows the difference between a Hypothesis and a Hypothalamus. He’s soo good with money, he has a bank account with tens of thousands in it…he doesn’t have any debt! He’s so educated; he has his Master’s in Astro-Physics from Princeton. He always smells great! He can cook. He massages my back, HE CLEANS! He irons up all the clothes... HE CAN DRESS! He has such great style he picks out my clothes for me when he shops for me. He loves his family, he loves my family, he wants five kids (2 girls and 3 boys of course). HE LOOOVES GOODD, he’s soo saved! He knows every scripture in the Bible and lives and walks by it… Can I stop now, I’m making myself sick!
If you didn’t know, let me be the first to tell you… Girl if this aforementioned guy chances are if he’s not gay, he’s a player, and therefore…..just not that into you...
Truth is that we need to realize that it’s okay to be attracted to what we are attracted too. Though I’m not a skinny girl by any means, I don’t like a bigger guy… I don’t like skinny guys either because I’d break them, but someone with some meat on their bones can get it! Anyway, if I met a guy that I had some chemistry with and he had a few extra pounds why not give it a shot... Conversely if he has a size 28 waist I may have to try it... We as women get so focused on what we’ve put together in our mind as the perfect guy for us, we push away other opportunities… I’m not saying date a midget, but hell a 5’4 brother needs love too. And in the end the brother in your mind is probably a wife beater, where short brother is a lover…not a fighter.
For the second Mr. In My Mind…See What IF
Mr. What If...aaahhh a very common one.
Let me start with an example; I know a fine brother who is very educated. Nice smooth skin, intelligent, makes good money blah blah blah... I was his friend. I listened to his relationship problems. Like WTF is this woman doing? She has a man with all of these qualities and she’s treating him like this. Man. What IF he left her? What IF he saw what good a friend I am too him? What IF he saw me all dressed up would he be attracted to me? What IF she knew the things he told me, would she throw him out? Would WE be together then? I must be in his life to be his friend because he’s the one God wants to bless me with right?
Scenario’s started playing out “In My Mind” I know the sex would be good... I know he would take care of me in and out the bedroom. In my mind I took things he said and made them into steps towards him wanting something more than a relationship with me...
But Thank God he stepped in! Did that couple get divorced? Yes did he end up with me NO.? But in the divorce dealings did I find out some IIIISSSHHH about him that I didn’t know. HELL YEA! I had my mouth open, and when I think back on it, hell yeah he was in the wrong …Really wrong... Not with me... I didn’t make the cut on his list... Extensive list.
Okay, that’s a lot to digest, so how bout I come back Sunday with a Part two about the other Mr.’s
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Whew...Glad that's over
You may ask, what makes someone write about their trials of being single..I'm not exactly sure how to answer that. It's January 2, and I am sitting on the couch watching my team play the worse football that I've ever seen, well at least for a so called pro team. The holidays have ended. One thing I can say is at least this year....I survived. I survived Thanksgiving alone. I survived the Christmas season, not only did I survive it, I cooked most of the food for my family. I endured the comments that my cooking skills are more improved so perhaps soon I can start cooking for a man. I survived friends telling me that their boyfriends/husbands/fiancee's bought them jewelry, cars, electronics, clothes for Christmas, while I depend on my parents, yes parents, to buy me gifts..
Then there was New Years Eve, in which a good friend of mine was performing at a night club. I promised her I would hear her sing,so I went to a club dressed up and alone on New Years Eve. Sure I got some looks and some flirts...But all the men were with other women.. I don't roll like that.. So here I am watching bad football, and no one to look over too and say baby did you see that? Sigh..
But it's a new year. I have a new view on being single, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong man...
And with that said....I'll be back next week
Then there was New Years Eve, in which a good friend of mine was performing at a night club. I promised her I would hear her sing,so I went to a club dressed up and alone on New Years Eve. Sure I got some looks and some flirts...But all the men were with other women.. I don't roll like that.. So here I am watching bad football, and no one to look over too and say baby did you see that? Sigh..
But it's a new year. I have a new view on being single, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong man...
And with that said....I'll be back next week
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