Alternate Methods?

Alternate Methods?



I waited to write this post until I completed my research on the topic. This past Monday I went Speed Dating with a friend. I received many emails from the organization that offers speed dating here in town, but I was always too nervous to go. I was always too shy, scared, or concerned that going to such an event would make me seem desperate. I also couldn’t get the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin out of my head. You know the one where they’re at the booths and the one lady says her name is Gina, short for VaGina and the African American funny friend of Steve Carrell is spiting game on the girls and writes on the card….”She was hurtin for a squirtin”…Yep not exactly an experience I was looking forward to.

Let me back peddle a little bit to two years ago. It was then when I first tried my hand at eHarmony. I simultaneously had profiles posted at eHarmony, Black Planet, and Match.com (Formerly Yahoo Singles). I met a guy on Black Planet that I went on one date with. We had a phone conversation (about sports) that was sooo annoying, I told him to lose my number. Furthermore, he hadn’t posted his religious beliefs on the site, so I had no idea that our religious ideals were worlds apart. For some people this isn’t a deal breaker. For me it is, I feel like each person should date what they can deal with.

It took some time before I scored a date with eHarmony. Started communicating with a fiiinnnee MBA student. Full time MBA student at a prestigious university, but FT (NO JOB) MBA student none the less. We spent all day and night on the phone. He couldn’t wait to meet me (so he says). He would just call and say meet me tonight, but I’m the type of woman that would like to plan a first date, not just show up without my best self in tow. But one night I did it. Can you tell the result?? Bad Date! Really bad. He was drunk when I got there. And when leaving he opened the double doors of the restaurant on me. I often joke that he was parting the red sea.
Match.Com continuously sent me Caucasian Jewish Men as matches. While I have noooo problem dating interracially, yes that’s another post. I have a problem with specifically stating on the site for Christian men, and getting Jewish matches. NO disrespect to Jewish individuals, but I’m not interested in marrying outside my core religious believes.
I’ve had one bad occurrence with each type of alternate method...Doesn’t exactly mean the method was terrible.
Back to Speed Dating….I walk in and there are 26 Caucasian men there, and one mixed male. I’m African American, and the friend I went with is Hispanic. Out of 26 women, there was only one black woman there.
But WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! I thought 42.4% of Black women may never find a mate in their race. Point? I spoke with an administrator at eHarmony about my lack of African American Male matches; he voiced his agreement but stated, “Not too many African Americans sign up for the service”.
My first date at the speed date was my little mixed cutie and he said that he goes to a speed dating event once every other month with the group, and the two black women and one Hispanic woman there, was the most minorities he’d seen there EVER. He said that he asked the dating group for more Minority Parties, their response…”We would do it, but minorities never show up”
What is the stigma against using alternate methods in finding a mate? Is it that we believe that we are sinning if we decided to make a push toward our goals of marriage? I understand that the scripture states “that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing”, and when I talk about speed dating, eHarmony, using a dating service…That’s the first thing I hear from close minded people. What about “Faith without Works is Dead?” To take it from the spiritual realm to the secular, most people say that if you have a dream you have to make steps towards it. Meaning, if I want to be a doctor I actually have to go to med school, I actually have to study to get good grades while there, and I have to apply to a residency to be accepted one. People use this most practical advice for the smallest things in life. If I want a cake I have to buy the flour, milk, eggs, vanilla. I have to then go to the kitchen, mix it up, and put it in the oven. While it’s in there I have to watch it so I don’t burn it.
But when it comes to finding a mate…It’s like oh well. If God wanted me to have one I’d meet him in Target. God knows where I am, He can send my husband there. But in any other area in our life we are go getters, and asking God to bless our hard work..But we’re lazy when it comes to ending loneliness.
Use alternate methods…If you don’t meet your mate through these methods so be it, then its God’s will. But at least do something. Going out with our girls, or sitting in our room on our lap top drinking coco (oops I’m telling on myself) won’t produce us results.

Yes, you may meet your man at the grocery store, but who knows if you put yourself out there, you may meet that same man (even sooner) from alternate methods.

Here are some quick tips to using internet dating (I’ve learned the hard way)

•Use a FULL BODY picture. Because this person doesn’t have the luxury of seeing you in full view meeting you, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether they are attracted to all of you. I know I have extra extra extra meat on my bones, but after putting full body pictures out there my profile is getting more attention.

•Be as specific as possible! You have the luxury of being matched with people who meet your qualifications. Unlike meeting a man in the grocery store, and then finding out on the second date that he smokes, you won’t be matched with a smoker (if that’s one of your qualifications).

•Focus on the similarities between you and the match and not the differences

•Start off slow! Email, IM, and phone, no dates until you are completely ready

•BACKGROUND CHECK! Before you get serious, guess what if you meet dude over bananas in the grocery store you better background check him http://www.intelius.com/ is one inexpensive way to protect you against a predator.

•Lastly, and most importantly…Don’t look at each match or meet as a potential life mate. HAVE FUN! Don’t add the pressure, and sure enough don’t make it into an instant relationship. Dating should be fun, let’s not flub it up with dreams of white dresses and a baby in 10 months!