What’s your Identification?

There are things about me that are easily identifiable. If a stranger pretended to be a close family member my friends can ask them my favorite foods or drinks the failure to answer correctly will allow my friends to deduce that this person really doesn’t know me.
In my diverse life of relationships, I’ve had several acrimonious endings. It’s hard to go back and inventory what each person commonly possessed that made the relationship end in disarray. Wait! If I’m looking for a common denominator should I inventory them….or me?
I recently had a conversation with a male friend who I knew had some personal problems, but I didn’t know to what extent. When he came clean reality punched me in the damn face! Wow. HE NEEDS ME! Uh Oh...Common Denominator. I FEEL THAT HE NEEDS ME!
I think I found my I.D. I am often attracted to, and attract men that I think I can help. See there’s a difference between being good for someone, and being supportive of someone; versus having them need and depend on you. It’s unnatural. We as women should not wear our maternal badges with our men...nah uh, I want him to see me as a sexual object not his mom or sister. We insult them by doing that, and reduce him to a son like state instead of his alpha male state.
Common “HE NEEDS ME”
He has problems with his kids…I’m helping them build a better relationship with them. Sometimes he needs me to help him shop for them and occasionally babysit. His kid’s mother is a trip; I give him advice dealing with her, because he doesn’t understand women.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He just needs my help in picking out interview clothes, looking at job search sites, and knowing how to interview. I mean really, how would he know how to job hunt if I don’t help him?

He’s in business. I’m helping him… Why should he read books if I’m smart enough to do it all. He appreciates all that I do for him, it’ll make our relationship stronger…*blank stare*
He’s trying to buy a car...Why not let him borrow mine until he gets one. They’re expensive. He can drop me off from work and pick me up. Or it’s not that much of an inconvenience if I catch the morning train in and he picks me up from work.
There is a difference in two people who are MARRIED and therefore ONE assisting each other to the point of total sacrifice. Helping him is helping me and therefore us. If you are UNMARRIED even in a COMMITTED relationship, there are ways to help, but not going to the levels of extreme. For instance if you hear of a job, tell him about it but don’t go around town dropping his resume to get him an opportunity. Let him be the man in the relationship and take the lead in his own life.
God forbid if you are uncommitted. He will respect you more if you just talk to him about it, letting him vent. But if you print out a job posting for him... that’s just weird.
These are all some of the He Needs Me I came in contact with. Each time I had them I reacted differently.
Let’s just review the truth
He has problems with his kids…He has problems with his baby mamma...Girl he doesn’t pay damn child support! And he’s cheap with his time and his money with his kids... The baby mamma ain’t feeling him and his kids are smart enough to see right through him, and you just spent your money so he can get credit for doing something his trifling ass should done all along.
He’s really trying to get a or a better job. He doesn’t want a damn job…So he’s going to keep letting you print out job search leads while he pretends he doesn’t know how to use job search sites. And instead of you saying go to the library and learn you baby him like he’s a 14 year old boy.

He’s in business. Who gets the profits from his business? Whose business is it? I’d tell him to call the local college and get a free intern...Unless there is a contract where you are paying me…I can’t do it! It’s just business.

He’s trying to buy a car...Wake up and smell the motor oil. He’s banking that money; he’s not trying to buy one I had this one happen to me. He was driving my car to cheat on me while I was at work and his little money he saved he used for the wedding, when he eventually married her...

Remember somehow this man survived 20, 30, 40, 50 years on this earth before he met you! He’s got this!

He doesn’t and shouldn’t NEED YOU, he should WANT YOU! Because the moment the NEED is filled, he’s out.If he wants you, he’ll continue to be there and appreciate YOU not what you DO!
Know your ID…SO YOU CAN I.D NEED/WANT GOOD/BAD! Remember help in the right perspective to assist, not to do... Remember he should see you as a sex symbol not mommy or babysitter! Unless the man is Oedipus, no man wants sex with mommy!

Single Survivor: Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post

Single Survivor: Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post

Single Survivor: Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post

Single Survivor: Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post

Dr. Ron Elmore Blog Post

This is a good article. I'm not a proponet of asking a guy on the first date about his intentions for marriage, only because if he asked you to marry him on the first date you would and should be leery. But somewhere in dates 3 or 4 when you are feeling like you might want to invest your time in him, these are good questions to ask.

http://findingsoulmatesuccess.com/is-he-marriage-material-6-signs-that-tell-if-his-is

My Desire is for Him...My Desire is for him

A have an older female friend who I had a very poignant conversation with. She’s in her early 50’s very smart and attractive. Nice figure, beautiful face, long flowing hair. It’s like man, I’m in my 30’s and I wish I had it going on like her. Because of her beauty she has lots of different opportunities with men. But she’s made the wrong choices, and has been hurt because of them. She is strong in her Christian faith and worships God like no other woman I know. But I couldn’t believe what she told me, how delusional and jaded her hurt has made her. Her comment
“As long as I have God I don’t ever want another man in my life, I can stay single until I die”
I sat there with my classic blank stare. Then I responded “sweetie you were made for man, and the bible states that a woman’s desire shall be for her husband. I understand being hurt, and not wanting to be hurt, but wanting to live the rest of your days without comfort?”

She went on to talk about how her pastor feels that single women have the hand of God on their life more than married women. The topic came up because I was mentioning how I want to meet Mr. Right; she told me that I didn’t need a man in my life. I can spend the rest of my days just as I am. I don’t want to go further into that conversation because its heartbreaking to me that someone who has so much life left would let THEIR OWN bad decisions in the PAST shape what their future is, and furthermore would suggest to a woman with no kids in her 30’s, to NEVER want to get married…

Now before you go defending what she’s saying, let me say that I am not an advocate of chasing after men, hunting them down, and dragging them to the alter to force I Do’s from him. But I believe in being open to the right one when he comes along and putting the right vibes out there to get him. Then after you date him you tie him up, hook him to the back of your pick up, and hogtie him to a pew in the church forcing I Do’s 

I was validated in my thoughts when listening to Pastor Joel Olsten. He made a very moving point this morning. It is completely NORMAL to desire intimacy. It is a reflection of God’s desire to be intimate with us. Ladies…If you are single please don’t’ let ANYONE tell you that it’s wrong for you to want someone in your life. God made me to be caring, smart, wonderful, and splendid; did He not want to share that with anyone? Did He make me without wanting me to affect man whom I was made for?

The more realistic way of thinking should be that I don’t ever want another man in my life whose purpose is to destroy it. I want a man who wants and loves me, not someone who wants to emotionally and mentally rape and pillage me. I want he who He has purposed for me, not he who I chose out of loneliness.

On this Sunday, I want to encourage single women that it is okay to desire. You are a woman! Unless you are dead every part of you inside and out should desire intimacy. It’s how we channel and deal with that desire that often gets us in trouble!

Single Survivor: Alternate Methods?

Single Survivor: Alternate Methods?

www.progressivedaters.com

www.eHarmony.com

Alternate Methods?

Alternate Methods?



I waited to write this post until I completed my research on the topic. This past Monday I went Speed Dating with a friend. I received many emails from the organization that offers speed dating here in town, but I was always too nervous to go. I was always too shy, scared, or concerned that going to such an event would make me seem desperate. I also couldn’t get the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin out of my head. You know the one where they’re at the booths and the one lady says her name is Gina, short for VaGina and the African American funny friend of Steve Carrell is spiting game on the girls and writes on the card….”She was hurtin for a squirtin”…Yep not exactly an experience I was looking forward to.

Let me back peddle a little bit to two years ago. It was then when I first tried my hand at eHarmony. I simultaneously had profiles posted at eHarmony, Black Planet, and Match.com (Formerly Yahoo Singles). I met a guy on Black Planet that I went on one date with. We had a phone conversation (about sports) that was sooo annoying, I told him to lose my number. Furthermore, he hadn’t posted his religious beliefs on the site, so I had no idea that our religious ideals were worlds apart. For some people this isn’t a deal breaker. For me it is, I feel like each person should date what they can deal with.

It took some time before I scored a date with eHarmony. Started communicating with a fiiinnnee MBA student. Full time MBA student at a prestigious university, but FT (NO JOB) MBA student none the less. We spent all day and night on the phone. He couldn’t wait to meet me (so he says). He would just call and say meet me tonight, but I’m the type of woman that would like to plan a first date, not just show up without my best self in tow. But one night I did it. Can you tell the result?? Bad Date! Really bad. He was drunk when I got there. And when leaving he opened the double doors of the restaurant on me. I often joke that he was parting the red sea.
Match.Com continuously sent me Caucasian Jewish Men as matches. While I have noooo problem dating interracially, yes that’s another post. I have a problem with specifically stating on the site for Christian men, and getting Jewish matches. NO disrespect to Jewish individuals, but I’m not interested in marrying outside my core religious believes.
I’ve had one bad occurrence with each type of alternate method...Doesn’t exactly mean the method was terrible.
Back to Speed Dating….I walk in and there are 26 Caucasian men there, and one mixed male. I’m African American, and the friend I went with is Hispanic. Out of 26 women, there was only one black woman there.
But WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! I thought 42.4% of Black women may never find a mate in their race. Point? I spoke with an administrator at eHarmony about my lack of African American Male matches; he voiced his agreement but stated, “Not too many African Americans sign up for the service”.
My first date at the speed date was my little mixed cutie and he said that he goes to a speed dating event once every other month with the group, and the two black women and one Hispanic woman there, was the most minorities he’d seen there EVER. He said that he asked the dating group for more Minority Parties, their response…”We would do it, but minorities never show up”
What is the stigma against using alternate methods in finding a mate? Is it that we believe that we are sinning if we decided to make a push toward our goals of marriage? I understand that the scripture states “that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing”, and when I talk about speed dating, eHarmony, using a dating service…That’s the first thing I hear from close minded people. What about “Faith without Works is Dead?” To take it from the spiritual realm to the secular, most people say that if you have a dream you have to make steps towards it. Meaning, if I want to be a doctor I actually have to go to med school, I actually have to study to get good grades while there, and I have to apply to a residency to be accepted one. People use this most practical advice for the smallest things in life. If I want a cake I have to buy the flour, milk, eggs, vanilla. I have to then go to the kitchen, mix it up, and put it in the oven. While it’s in there I have to watch it so I don’t burn it.
But when it comes to finding a mate…It’s like oh well. If God wanted me to have one I’d meet him in Target. God knows where I am, He can send my husband there. But in any other area in our life we are go getters, and asking God to bless our hard work..But we’re lazy when it comes to ending loneliness.
Use alternate methods…If you don’t meet your mate through these methods so be it, then its God’s will. But at least do something. Going out with our girls, or sitting in our room on our lap top drinking coco (oops I’m telling on myself) won’t produce us results.

Yes, you may meet your man at the grocery store, but who knows if you put yourself out there, you may meet that same man (even sooner) from alternate methods.

Here are some quick tips to using internet dating (I’ve learned the hard way)

•Use a FULL BODY picture. Because this person doesn’t have the luxury of seeing you in full view meeting you, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether they are attracted to all of you. I know I have extra extra extra meat on my bones, but after putting full body pictures out there my profile is getting more attention.

•Be as specific as possible! You have the luxury of being matched with people who meet your qualifications. Unlike meeting a man in the grocery store, and then finding out on the second date that he smokes, you won’t be matched with a smoker (if that’s one of your qualifications).

•Focus on the similarities between you and the match and not the differences

•Start off slow! Email, IM, and phone, no dates until you are completely ready

•BACKGROUND CHECK! Before you get serious, guess what if you meet dude over bananas in the grocery store you better background check him http://www.intelius.com/ is one inexpensive way to protect you against a predator.

•Lastly, and most importantly…Don’t look at each match or meet as a potential life mate. HAVE FUN! Don’t add the pressure, and sure enough don’t make it into an instant relationship. Dating should be fun, let’s not flub it up with dreams of white dresses and a baby in 10 months!