Run Away Bride, Or Run Away, Bride!

Runaway Bride? Or Run Away, Bride!

Tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta will feature the maybe wedding of Cynthia Bailey, International Model, and Peter Thomas, Jamaican-American Atlanta Business Man.  The question is whether or not she will marry Mr. Thomas. Though this post is not about her per se, I thought she would be a good example of whether or not a woman who questions the viability of the relationship she is in is a Runaway Bride, or should she Run Away, Bride.

Entering into a new relationship or a new chapter in a woman’s life is very scary.  Though it is our desire not to be alone,  most of us travel the would be relationship road with great trepidation. Our trepidation could be due to being hurt in the past, not wanting to change our lifestyle from single to not single, or just pure fear over what the future holds.  We try to find reasons to push a good man away. He messes up one thing and we’re ready to end the relationship. He wants to have poker night with his friends and we instantly let our friends, who may or may not have much relationship experience, or have our best intentions at heart, tell us that this man must be on the DL if he wants to spend all this time with his friends. How stupid does that sound? But I’ve heard it. Things like If he wants a poker night he can have it with you, why would he go drink with his buddies after work, why won’t he just meet up with you and drink? Not realizing that he needs to keep his friendship with men so he can appreciate the time he spends with you. Conversly, not realizing, that just as he spends time with his friends, as a woman you should continue to spend time with yours. In doing so, it will make the time you spend together more special and wonderful. We need to realize when we are pushing an opportunity away due to commitment fears or issues. This woman is a Runaway Bride. We could of and should have been married by now, but we’ve pushed so many men away that we’ve missed out on opportunities.

There are some women who are in relationships that they absolutely need to run away from. We stay in relationships (before marriage) for different reasons. Sometimes we’ve had kids with the man so you figure why leave? Other times our family and our friends like him and are pushing us towards him so we stay, there’s fears about being single and finding another person to love us and accept us, so we stay where we are. It can even be that the woman is a church going God Fearing woman, and members of her church family ( Pastor included) is pushing her to marry the man she’s been with to stop living in sin.  Even if there are misgivings about the relationship, individuals on the outside of your relationship can push you into something when they think it’s for your own good. As I stated before, in the Misters Part II, if there is a voice in your head telling you that something is shady about him perhaps you need to think things over a little bit. It’s okay if you are with someone and you are not ready to get married yet, or if you are not ready to jump with both feet in, there might be a reason. Remember, a woman’s intuition can be very keen. YOU are the only person who has to lie next to this man at night. Don’t let someone tell you to marry to stay out of hell in your afterlife and you end up marrying into hell in your life on earth. Know that you must always ask God for clarity, and if he starts to show you things, it’s okay to take a step back, reason things over, and Run Away, Bride.

Coping Mechanisms

I am a 30+ African American Woman from an extremely large family. I am well educated, some would say over educated if they knew how much I owed in student loans. But yet I find myself unmarried. I think I’m cute. I’ve been told that I’m attractive. I have extra weight that I can stand to lose, but I hear from men all the time “if I were single I’d definitely date you.” Little do they know that doesn’t make me smile inside or give me a glimmer of hope like it would some women. It actually pisses me the bleep off. Because then I begin to think, well why didn’t you when you were single? Or what exactly does that mean? Or if that were true, and you knew someone who was single and nice why wouldn’t you hook me up if you believe I’m so datable?

But that’s just me. Someone else may hear that and get a twinkle in their eye and pep in their step. But to me it’s just another reminder of the lack of available men out there. The odds of me hitting the Mega Millions or the Powerball are around 1 in 176 Million, and 1 in 183 Million respectively. But at least I can buy tickets for a chance twice a week. What are the odds of meeting my soul mate? How do I buy tickets for more chances? If I can throw my hat in the ring for millions of dollars twice a week, shouldn’t there be a way for me to do the same to find a mate?

The tiled background of this page is that of a bridesmaid. Wearing an ugly purple dress, and she herself doesn’t appear to be Ms. America. Is she single? Is she married? I don’t know. But what I do know is that she’s in a situation that she has to cope with. Hers is wearing an ugly dress, walking down the aisle before a beautiful bride while having hundreds of people look at her, judge her, and wonder WTH is wrong with her…Yes I said it. WTH is wrong with her.

That’s the stigma that single women face. They use the adage that “there’s a reason you’re single”, and each day you’re single it’s almost like you are a carton of milk on a shelf. Worse than that your co-workers, family, friends, acquaintances, people at the grocery store, etc have all given you an expiration date. Worse than that their thinking WTH wrong with you? Something has to be. There’s some mathematic equation to answer the question of why you’re still single.

So the answer to this is referred to as coping mechanisms. How do you cope with this? Do you cuss them out? Tell them F you I’m perfect its men that are the problem? Do you internalize it to say maybe I am F’d up and who would want me? Or do you just accept, this is my situation, hopefully it will change, but perhaps it won’t?

I can’t answer that for you. If you have any good coping mechanisms please share. What I do know is that I don’t have a Scarlett letter on my chest for being single. I know that there are some reasons I am still single, and I know other times I’m like F him, he was the problem. But none of these are proper way to navigate through a life of singleness.OR being the bride’s maid in an ugly ass purple dresss! If you have tips on wearing the purple dress and wearing it confidently, with hope, and being glam while wearing it, share it!

The Misters Part II

Part Duex is late. But in response to being dilatory, Double Post Tuesday


Mr. I Wonder


Mr. I Wonder is very common for women who are truly single. Meaning, their not dealing with a man in any way at the current time. I think Mr. I Wonder is one of the most dangerous of all the MISTERS! Because of the situation and the circumstances, Ms. Single, Ms. Lonely, Ms. Need Companionship becomes open to a relationship that she never would have been open to if she even had a casual friend in her life. So if our mind isn’t in the right place, and our hearts are lonely, we begin to wonder about the brother across the way who’s been flirting with us. He may be the guy that works at the bank who always gives us an extra smile and asks you to hit him up. There had always been something kind of suspicious about these guys, like maybe on Tuesday he had on a wedding band, but when you talked to him Friday he talked about how he single and was out at the club... Something isn’t right, like he’s shady behind the scenes.


I’ll draw from my own personal example, because I know that no one wants to admit to this. There was a young man who was crazy, crazy, crazy about me. I became totally single. No Mr. Right Now, No Commitment, Nothing. Heck I wasn’t even kicking it with B.O.B at that time…(umm if you don’t know what a B.O.B is, I can’t fill you in here…lol). Other people would see the little things he would do for me and comment. “You know he’s a nice guy and he really seems to like you, you’re single, give him a chance.” So I allowed him to become my friend by listening to my loneliness instead of my mind and spirit, and listening to other people, who didn’t necessarily have my best intentions at heart. He was crazy, crazy, crazy about me…Now I know why…The brother is literally CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY! I still have issues with getting him out of my life. My spirit called me to stay away from him, but I made him Mr. I Wonder. I wonder if he’d be a good boyfriend to me, he sure is nice. I wonder why I don’t feel completely comfortable around him, but that’s just me being silly right?


Listen…A man is a natural hunter. No lie, God made them that way. In response, God gave women better instincts. The hunter will hunt you down, but if a woman doesn’t want to be caught. She doesn’t have to be. It’s when we throw common sense and our instincts to the side that bad things happen to us. Something really bad could have happened to me if I would have entered a relationship with this man. My instincts told me, but my attention deficiency ignored it.


Btw, mine turned out to be crazy, but yours could be married, a con artist, or have a criminal past that he isn’t disclosing. Don’t just think, nall I don’t know crazy men, but you may be prey some other way.


Mr. Right Now


AKA Mr. Convenient! We’ve all had a Mr. Right Now, and in some cases it’s not necessarily a bad thing, if the situation is understood and mutual to begin with. The saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, applies here. Because usually Mr. Right Now isn’t some upstanding man that you can see yourself having children with and spending the rest of your days with. He is usually a whorish man that you can’t turn into a husband. PLEASE DON’T TRY IT! Just because you are dealing with this brother, doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be or should be committed to this man! Don’t get too involved. Because unlike most of the other Misters, there is a relationship there so the possibility of hurt and pain exists, if you do not guard your heart and deal with the transaction for what it is. Not just sexual, it doesn’t have to be at all. It can be someone to take you to dinner and the movies, or do little things around the house with and for you. If it is sexual…..Then that’s even more protecting of yourself that you need to do (in every way)!


As I stated, I don’t actually see this as a terrible thing as long as you know to keep everything in its place. BUT….THIS IS A BIGGGGGG BUTTTT! The Average White Band said it best “The Sooner You Give The Sooner You Get to Have a Love of Your Own”. So don’t let Mr. Right Now stay around tooo long. With him there, you may not get the love of your own that you truly desire!

THE MISTERS

This is late! But blame my Business Statistics class for that! Lol

But I will try to keep a more regular schedule of postings in the future. This is designed to be therapeutic, and what happens when our therapists postpones our appointments? We jump of the bridge...we figuratively, in our case we may jump to the wrong love life conclusions, or jump in bed……

So here we go with these Misters

Mr. In My Mind

Mr. What IF

Mr. I Wonder

Mr. Right Now

Notice none of these are Mr. Right, that’s the most glaring resemblance between the four. Though there are other resemblances.

So here we go! Get ready; I’m on your block and maybe in your living room with this. Because no matter what state of relationship you are in marriage, divorced, recently single, committed, or casually seeing someone. We have all as WOMEN black, white, or other, dealt with one of these on this list... We may be dealing with them now (notice I hid my face when I said it because to be honest…….)


Mr. In My Mind:

This guy comes in two different forms. The first type is that he is the guy that we have envisioned in our mind... For example we say and think things like, I’m waiting on God to send my husband, but I know he’s 6’1 (because I don’t want short), he’s dark with some smooth chocolate skin, white teeth, low hair cut, he’s sweet he brings me roses every Friday. He’s soo smart. He knows the difference between a Hypothesis and a Hypothalamus. He’s soo good with money, he has a bank account with tens of thousands in it…he doesn’t have any debt! He’s so educated; he has his Master’s in Astro-Physics from Princeton. He always smells great! He can cook. He massages my back, HE CLEANS! He irons up all the clothes... HE CAN DRESS! He has such great style he picks out my clothes for me when he shops for me. He loves his family, he loves my family, he wants five kids (2 girls and 3 boys of course). HE LOOOVES GOODD, he’s soo saved! He knows every scripture in the Bible and lives and walks by it… Can I stop now, I’m making myself sick!

If you didn’t know, let me be the first to tell you… Girl if this aforementioned guy chances are if he’s not gay, he’s a player, and therefore…..just not that into you...

Truth is that we need to realize that it’s okay to be attracted to what we are attracted too. Though I’m not a skinny girl by any means, I don’t like a bigger guy… I don’t like skinny guys either because I’d break them, but someone with some meat on their bones can get it! Anyway, if I met a guy that I had some chemistry with and he had a few extra pounds why not give it a shot... Conversely if he has a size 28 waist I may have to try it... We as women get so focused on what we’ve put together in our mind as the perfect guy for us, we push away other opportunities… I’m not saying date a midget, but hell a 5’4 brother needs love too. And in the end the brother in your mind is probably a wife beater, where short brother is a lover…not a fighter.

For the second Mr. In My Mind…See What IF

Mr. What If...aaahhh a very common one.

Let me start with an example; I know a fine brother who is very educated. Nice smooth skin, intelligent, makes good money blah blah blah... I was his friend. I listened to his relationship problems. Like WTF is this woman doing? She has a man with all of these qualities and she’s treating him like this. Man. What IF he left her? What IF he saw what good a friend I am too him? What IF he saw me all dressed up would he be attracted to me? What IF she knew the things he told me, would she throw him out? Would WE be together then? I must be in his life to be his friend because he’s the one God wants to bless me with right?

Scenario’s started playing out “In My Mind” I know the sex would be good... I know he would take care of me in and out the bedroom. In my mind I took things he said and made them into steps towards him wanting something more than a relationship with me...

But Thank God he stepped in! Did that couple get divorced? Yes did he end up with me NO.? But in the divorce dealings did I find out some IIIISSSHHH about him that I didn’t know. HELL YEA! I had my mouth open, and when I think back on it, hell yeah he was in the wrong …Really wrong... Not with me... I didn’t make the cut on his list... Extensive list.

Okay, that’s a lot to digest, so how bout I come back Sunday with a Part two about the other Mr.’s

Whew...Glad that's over

You may ask, what makes someone write about their trials of being single..I'm not exactly sure how to answer that. It's January 2, and I am sitting on the couch watching my team play the worse football that I've ever seen, well at least for a so called pro team. The holidays have ended. One thing I can say is at least this year....I survived. I survived Thanksgiving alone.  I survived the Christmas season, not only did I survive it, I cooked most of the food for my family.  I endured the comments that my cooking skills are more improved so perhaps soon I can start cooking for a man. I survived friends telling me that their boyfriends/husbands/fiancee's bought them jewelry, cars, electronics, clothes for Christmas, while I depend on my parents, yes parents, to buy me gifts..

Then there was New Years Eve, in which a good friend of mine was performing at a night club. I promised her I would hear her sing,so I went to a club dressed up and alone on New Years Eve. Sure I got some looks and some flirts...But all the men were with other women.. I don't roll like that.. So here I am watching bad football, and no one to look over too and say baby did you see that? Sigh..

But it's a new year. I have a new view on being single, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong man...

And with that said....I'll be back next week